Trying to get out of my head

I am struggling. I’m starting to feel like something is wrong with me. I try to focus on the words, but they’re not coming. I feel like there are only a precious few minutes each day when I am able to think. If I miss that window, my ability to feel much of anything is gone.

I’m pretty sure it’s the medication. (That, and maybe anxiety about our incoming president.) As I understand it, the metoprolol limits my liver’s ability to process adrenaline. So, I suspect once I use up my day’s allotment, I simply cannot get excited about anything.  For months, I had been overwhelmed with gratitude that I had not died from my cardiac arrests. People told me that eventually that feeling would fade. After the U.S. election, I felt the gratitude slipping away from me as if drifting on a current. I used to be able to take Adderall to clear the fog. But since my heart attack, I'm no longer able to take it. 

For the record, I just successfully ordered my breakfast entirely in Spanish. A very tasty order of Gallo Pinto, which is rice and black beans, along with eggs, a small tortilla and a wedge of queso blanco. It’s really pathetic to note that as an accomplishment. But I’ve been feeling so stupid lately that I had started to doubt even my ability to navigate through something as simple as a breakfast order. Small victories. 

God, I sound tedious. I’ll talk to the doctor. In the meantime, I am going to simply abandon any attempt at structure and switch to stream of consciousness.

In Enlace periodico, a small newspaper about the Brunca region, I ran across this beautiful quote from one of the featured writers, Uriel Rojas Rojas, a member of the Bruncas, one of Costa Rica’s indigenous tribes. Rojas documents the history of his people.

“Es necesario saber vivir en la diversidad, eso fortalice el verdadero sentido de la existencia humana."

Which translated means, “It is necessary to know how to live in diversity, that strengthens the true meaning of human existence.”